You Re Gonna Miss Me When I M Gone The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup

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The Girls’ Kickass Guide to Getting Over a Breakup

Now that Zagat has announced new Dating (and Losing) guides in New York and LA, I’m preparing for bad news. Zagat chose their drop-off location based on the volume of output and proximity to traffic (so you can get the hell out of it), and the attractiveness of the customer, so you can pick up someone to connect with. Good. Is it just my imagination, or does it sound like Zagat is joining the Y chromosome team here? Sounds douchey to me. What kind of person would add to the humiliation of being discarded? I never thought I’d say this, but I love finding the words: “sry not you 1 4 me.”

Every girl needs some kickass gear to end a relationship. Dumping happens to everyone sooner or later, and most of the time we just stumble along, taking each bad day that comes our way and doing everything we can to stay sane. Well, you know I have thoughts about taking control of your life to get what you want. You can’t prevent being dumped, but you can control how you respond. And I want to help you get through that pain with less pain, in less time.

Here are the main points of my Kickass recovery plan:

  • Self-compassion is greatly reduced.
  • Ditto for fun.
  • Keeping your dignity will pay off big.
  • Getting over a guy sucks, but it can be liberating, empowering, and sometimes fun.
  • Sadness is part of love. If you love someone, and you lose them, feeling sorry for them is a labor of love, even when they don’t deserve it. It is a selfish way.

Therefore. He broke up with you. You’ve just landed on the biggest rollercoaster, and you need to hold on tight.

Part One: Fear and Fear

“Shock and surprise is a military doctrine based on the use of greater force, greater battlefield awareness, greater maneuverability, and a dramatic display of force to weaken the enemy’s morale on the battlefield and destroy his will to fight.” (Wikipedia)

This is what he just did to you. They cut you down like a Panzer tank. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe not. Either way it sucks, and it will suck for a while. You can’t believe it. Basically. Your mind may not be able to hear the story right away. “He’s wrong about this! He’s coming to see his mistake!” Your friends will tell you that it doesn’t make sense, something must be going on with him, you guys are perfect together, he can’t spend a week without you, blah, blah, blah.

Don’t trust them. Maybe he will come back and ask you to pay him back. It happens. But what do you think? I’ve never heard of a relationship that was better the second time around. When Humpty Left You broke something and it will never be put back the same.

However, you hope that he will change his mind. Meanwhile, you will be saying a variety of interesting and useful things to yourself:

  • “This is great! Now I can hook up with new guys!”
  • “Wonderful! I really miss hanging out with my girls!”
  • “It will be nice not to think about anyone but myself.”

But you know the pain is coming. It’s coming, and it’s going to hit you like a Kansas tornado.

Part Two: Tornado Alley

The storm suddenly hits, and blows you off your foundation. Your life has literally been changed.

There are several things you need to do in the second phase:

1. Respect what he has chosen. It is her right to end the relationship. You hate it, but you can’t change it.

2. Remove all contact. Now is not the time to think about staying friends. What is the point? You don’t want him calling to “check in” and see if you’re surviving the heartbreak he caused.

3. Go straight to the pain. This is where the very important trait of self-compassion begins. Here are some that I recommend:

  • Cry as many tears as your body can produce. Cry until your eyes are swollen and red. Cry until snot runs down your chin. It also helps to cry, if possible in your life. Keening cannot be overdone.
  • Eat whatever you want. Now is not the time to think about your weight. Personally, my go-to snack is always spaghetti with a ton of melted butter. Maybe your thing is Cherry Garcia. Or chocolate. In any case. Get into other things and be entertained.
  • Ask your friends to rub your back and give you constant hugs. You need physical comfort during this time and your friends can provide it.
  • Listen to sappy love songs. Fall into the injustice of it all.
  • Watch sad movies about romantic relationships that don’t work out. I always loved Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. Casablanca is old, yes. Titanic. You get the idea.

After a while, you will get tired of all of the above. You will be crying in your dark room, and you will see the time. You will say to yourself, “Oh look, Lost is about to come.” You’ll walk around the TV in your PJs for 72 hours, and you’ll turn it on. And sometime in the next hour, for a minute or two, you will forget. And the healing has begun.

Part Three: Dealing with the Devil

In the third part, you make plans to win him back. You feel better than in Phase Two, and you feel empowered in some ways. Unfortunately, you can take the wrong approach to making a fool of yourself. This is pointless and will cost you valuable points. DO NOT, under any circumstances, do the following:

  • Drunk calling or texting
  • Engaging in drive-bys or any other espionage activity
  • Performing in public
  • Trying to talk to him about getting back together, which is also called begging
  • Promise that you will change in some way so that they will want you back
  • Trying to make him jealous by doing stupid things with another guy
  • Just looking at his friends to see what they were thinking
  • Succumbing to the illusion of “maybe another day”.

Yes, you must do the following:

  • Delete his number from your phone. Well, of course you know it by heart, but the symbolism is important. And when he calls, I will kill you if you answer.
  • Try him on Facebook. I know, I know, exes don’t usually do this, it seems sad. Well what do you think? The saddest part is stalking him, reading his wall, trying to see which girls are flirting with him, etc. Immediately.
  • Block him on your AIM. Lock him up. Don’t just remove him from your friend list. Because if he sees that you are online and tries to write to you, 1) you don’t want to know about it and 2) he will feel rejected to be informed that his message is not wanted.
  • Keep everything you have that reminds you of him and your relationship. DO NOT have a fire, you will regret it one day. For now, just pack everything in a box and put it away. Mark the box closed, so you don’t have to shoot in it when you’re damaged.

If you ignored my advice and gave in to your self-destructive desires, there will come a time when you will realize that all your talk and desperation has only made you look like a complete idiot. And then you will stop.

Step Four: Cooking the Bunny

Cooking a bunny is all about revenge. This is very useful, and I would recommend spending time developing a few. Lie in a quiet place, and roll the tape around your head. Visualize it, hear it, feel it. Here are some things I’ve found useful:

  • Mix in a blender; It’s important to think about pushing the button, whirl!
  • Hit him with your car on the black road and run away
  • He impregnates a dirty, ugly girl he sleeps with and is thinking of having a baby with.
  • Putting something so bad on the internet that for the rest of its life, potential employers on Google will lose interest, and maybe even call the authorities.
  • Attending his funeral is fighting the urge to cartwheel to the grave

I hope you can come up with your own good ones, or feel free to use mine. Just get it in your head.

Here’s the only return you need to make: “Don’t take revenge. Be good.”

A word about rebounds: Don’t do that. Not now. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to the boy. Wait until you are free and clear mentally before hooking up with someone new. Right now you need to be alone, rebuilding, healing, and gathering your shit together.

Part Five: Seasonal Diseases

Well, this has been fun, but now it’s time to get back to the business of mending your broken heart. Grief is one of the seasons of life. Think of it as living in a climate where the sun never shines. It may be a little while. Here are some of the things you may be hearing at this point:

  • You realize they are not coming back. It’s over.
  • You feel like shit.
  • You really miss him.
  • You think too much about the past.
  • You blame yourself and try to figure out what went wrong.

I wish you could skip this part, because it looks awful. Maybe you feel like you have to put up with it, and you’re not, and oh God, you’ll never be happy again. You will be happy again, of course, but not yet. There is no way around it, you have to go through this. For some women, this leads to depression. I’m big on medicine, so go get it if you want, keep notes, stay close to your friends. This is not the time to roll over and be alone. You need help at this point, so get it.

There are some things you can do to shorten the duration of SAD:

  • Write down the mistakes. I’m not kidding. It is important to remember that this relationship was not perfect. It wasn’t really. There was the way he visited other girls sometimes. And he thought it was funny to make fun of you about your weight, but it wasn’t funny at all, not to you. When you put your tongue in your ear it tastes like wax. He burned his nose sometimes, and it was big. Why does he have to shout when he sneezes? You get the idea. Write everything down.
  • Remind yourself every day that you deserve to be with someone who will love you unconditionally. And they don’t. So…..you have to be better than him.
  • Edit the details. Do something new, find a new source of hope. It could be a new interest, a new friendship, a new exercise. Open new paths in your life.
  • Think about that friendship, and think about what you learned. Take responsibility for your mistakes.
  • Spend time with two chicks: Lit and Flick. Now is the time to remind yourself that there is a happy ending. And the chicks did not disappoint at all.

Step Six: Turning the Corner

You will be fine. You’re making fun of things too. You joke sometimes. You feel better. You can imagine a time when you will be happy with someone. You may not be ready yet, but there is hope for happiness with someone new. When you’re ready, here are some things you can and should do:

  • Admit that you are careful not to enter again. A new love means the risk of a new loss, and it’s scary. Take it slow.
  • Flirting. Yeah, you know you want to. It should not be a means to an end. Flirting is fun and makes a person proud, so enjoy it for that reason.
  • Go out at night. Put on some rocking music, plan a night on the town, and get out there.
  • Go out in the afternoon. Try to increase the number of interactions you have with other people each day. Take the bus, go to the library, buy groceries, walk in the park, work on your laptop at Starbucks. Will you meet Prince Charming on the street? Maybe not. But surely you will not meet him in your house. Just get out and move. Keep walking. Make eye contact with people, be friendly.

That’s right. That’s the plan. It is a summary of what I have learned through my breakup, and the breakup of many girls who have been kind enough to share their stories. I wish you all the best as you find your way through grief to a new beginning.

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