Where Were You When I Needed You The Most After the Affair – No Contact With Your Wayward Partner

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After the Affair – No Contact With Your Wayward Partner

Sometimes, the best course of action is to not contact your distracted partner. No contact means just that; No seeing each other in person, no talking on the phone, no emails, texts, no messages from kids or others, no smoke signals, nothing. This is done for a few reasons but the most important is for the safety and healing of the betrayed spouse as they try and regain control of their own lives. In addition, however, it also affects the transiting partner, making them see things with new eyes or perhaps helping them get off the fence. There’s nothing more eye-opening for a fence installer than having one of their options suddenly taken away. There he/she is, standing high on their fence, studiously observing and comparing the two sides, thinking that even though they have to make a big decision that will affect the rest of their lives, it’s really nice that they have that much time. is Weigh their options and make the right choice. Well, imagine their surprise when you suddenly take away their safety net and one of their options! Here’s how it works:

First of all, any contact with your wayward partner is not the same as the unexpected contact from your wayward partner and his/her affair partner. That kind of no contact is just what it sounds like… no contact at all. This no contact is determined by the betrayed partner. In other words, you can select all terms, ie. When, where, how and content.

Second, don’t tell your cowardly partner what your intentions are. This will probably cause the whole plan to blow up in your face. They didn’t let you know they were going to cheat on you, did they? Then shake off those feelings of guilt!

The best way to implement this plan is to use caller ID as much as possible.

Don’t answer their calls 75% of the time. If it’s not related to kids or finances, don’t bother calling them back. Now, of course, you want kids to develop active, healthy relationships with their other parents, so it’s okay if you answer the phone every now and then. It’s also okay for your children to answer the phone directly when they call their other parent, just make sure you don’t allow yourself to be called on the phone. If you feel like it’s putting the kids in the middle, by all means intentionally engage yourself when you see their name flash on caller ID. When the child calls you on the phone, all they have to do is leave a message saying, “No, I can’t come to the phone right now. Please tell them you’re allowed to take a message for me.” The point is to make yourself unavailable.

Remember, the next time you decide to graciously take their call, don’t discuss anything but kids and finances. Avoid discussing any feelings, especially from the betrayed partner. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Got it? But please, be as sweet as you can be. Be kind and caring but not impersonal. Do not provide any personal information about yourself. Answer their questions, say what you have to say, and wait. That’s all. Never cry, beg, or show any negative emotion.

Now is the time to set up a visitation schedule that most people do when separating or divorcing. Try to make at least one weeknight and alternate weekends. This also has many advantages. First, it gives you time to deal with a thrown curveball. Many people cannot deal with infidelity and not be deeply affected. You need time to take care of yourself so make sure you get it. This gives them a chance to see what their lives will be like soon. Do they want a divorce? Well, then let’s experience what will happen now.

But the most important part of this visitation schedule is this: You must be unavailable to your distracted spouse and children during this time. When you don’t have your kids, don’t answer the phone and try and stay home (or at least sleep so it looks like you’re busy). It doesn’t matter if your plan is a trip to Wal-Mart for bug spray and nail fungus spray. Gone and unavailable.

Almost certainly, your wayward partner will notice these changes in you and begin to wonder. They see that you have come out of your depression and are happy and cheerful again. They see you as active and social. They wonder what is going on. You will probably start asking them questions because they are now starting to notice the changes. They may not be word for word, but they will certainly be something like:

how are you

where were you

who were you with

what were you doing

Now, here are the answers you need to use to make this exercise effective.

how are you Fine (It’s important not to answer their questions. Pretend you don’t care.)

where were you out

who were you with No one will recognize you

what were you doing Just stuff. If they persist, tell them: Content you’re not interested in.

This creates a bit of mystery and turns the tables on them. Remember to be as nice as you can be when you answer these questions. Be vague but true. Wal-Mart is out, right? And the cashier is probably someone he doesn’t know, right? see? It may seem like a game, but you’re not really fibbing. You are just creating mystery.

Another effective technique to add to the above is to change something about yourself, such as a hair color or cut, a new outfit, painting your nails, wearing a new fragrance, growing a beard, etc. Never show it to yourself. Ask them if they want to know. And trust me, they do.

Most of the time, you will reach one of two results. Either way, the marriage will end and you’re already on the road to recovery. You have distanced yourself from them enough to heal and plan for your own future. Or, they will reevaluate their situation and realize exactly what they are about to throw away. They knocked off the fence, so to speak. Regardless of which option they choose (and remember you have options too) one thing is certain. This will help you in your own healing process when you need it. This will help you step back and evaluate the situation for what it really is and give you the clarity to make the best decision for you. It’s not a game and it really works.

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