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I Want My Husband To Quit His Job After He Cheated With A Woman At Work, But He Refuses To Do So
It’s no secret that a decent percentage happens at the workplace or at a person’s job. After all, most of us spend as much time at our desks or at work as we do at home with our spouses. And, in today’s economy under pressure to perform well and stay with others for long periods of time, people can become very close and attached to their colleagues. It’s not at all unusual to hear people describe their coworkers as “like family,” even when they’re related.
When your husband has an affair (emotional or physical) with one of those co-workers and then invests so much time and status in his job (where the same woman works) that he doesn’t want to leave, or quit after the affair comes to light.
I recently heard from a wife who couldn’t understand (and was furious) why her husband didn’t quit his job after having an affair with a co-worker. She said, in part: “I knew something was up when I saw my husband and his colleague together at an office party. When we got home, I confronted him, he confessed everything and asked for my forgiveness. I want a part. .to save my marriage and move on from this. And he has shown that he is willing to work with me except for one thing. He will not quit his job. Although he says he understands that I am uncomfortable with him continuing to work with a woman. Kara, who he cheated on me with, insists that quitting his job will hurt him financially and force him to turn his back on the career he has worked his whole life to achieve. So eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of my life. I can’t bear the thought of him making eyes at her or having lunch with her or having dinner with her. Even interacting with her in a business setting. E. It just turns my stomach to even think about it. I’ve thought about giving him an ultimatum or leaving him until he quits, but then I worry that these things are the same as quitting. What options do I have because at this point I’m fresh with ideas.”
Understanding husband’s refusal to quit job after affair: Before I go any further, I want to emphasize that I am in no way defending or sympathizing with husbands who have affairs. I have dealt with an affair in my own marriage, so I would never defend this behavior. However, I occasionally interact with men on this topic, and I think it’s important that you partially understand their thought process.
Wives often believe that their husband won’t quit his job after an affair because he secretly wants to see another woman or because he can’t bear to be apart from her. I can’t say it never is, because it is sometimes. But, he has many other valid reasons for being reluctant to quit.
A well-known contributing factor to a man’s affair is low self-esteem. Often, the person who is cheating or having an affair struggles greatly with this issue. It is important to understand that a man’s self-esteem can be greatly tied to his job or his professional performance. So, asking him to walk away from the same job that is often so closely tied to his own identity is asking a lot at the time.
Many men will be upset that you don’t trust them enough to keep their job, but that’s only part of the story. Many are ashamed of their behavior and fear further embarrassment because someone else’s wishes and desires have changed their life and their career path. This can be seen as very unmanly behavior (although it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.)
After all, most men are being honest when they tell you that they are worried about the financial consequences of quitting their job. In today’s economy, being unemployed (even if you chose this path yourself) is a very scary and dangerous place to be. Finding a comparable job with a comparable salary isn’t always easy (or even possible). Many men in this position will tell you that they’ve already lost so much through an affair that they don’t want to lose an important constant in their lives right now. They don’t want to add financial problems on top of already serious ones.
Finding some compromises until your husband can quit his job or adjust: Sometimes, when it is clear that he is not ready to quit his job right now and it is also clear that this is exactly what you want from him, it is advisable to compromise so that both feel that they are getting at least part of their work. At least until a resolution is reached, needs are being met and heard.
Because it is important for you to know that your husband’s contact with the other woman has completely stopped (or at least drastically reduced), your husband may demand a transfer, request a new partner, or adjust his duties. He will encourage you to have lunch with him every day so you don’t have to worry about being together outside of work hours. He may call you frequently to check in so you know you’re still on his mind. And, the two of you can work together to set a deadline for him to find another job while you both actively pursue resumes at other companies.
It’s important to feel like you’re working together to find a resolution, and that, even if it’s not the exact resolution you want at the time you want it, at least you’re willing to meet each other halfway so you both feel valid.
In order to heal from an affair, both must feel that their partner is willing to work with them to give them what they want and need. The wife needs to know that her husband taking her feelings and concerns seriously will require some adjustment and some action, while the husband needs to know that his wife is not determined to see him lose everything because of his affair.
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