What Does It Mean When Your Poop Floats More Laptop Than Brains

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More Laptop Than Brains

I am not writing on behalf of search engines. I do not work for a search engine in any capacity. But the other day apparently I had more laptop than brain and found a site Strangely stupid Questions asked by computer users online. Computer users wanted answers to these questions. indeed I have no idea if some of these users were mentally ill or sarcastic but if there really was something wrong with them, they wouldn’t mind looking for answers to such questions.

So I a “Dear Abby” Sort of columnist except I chose the name “Dear Brilliant One”. Hey, I’ve never been known for my modesty. In the interest of witness protection (and perhaps my own) I’ve also looked for proper names for the authors of these questions. I will write answers to these real questions asked online. enjoy

Dear Bright One,:

Can Jesus run a barbecue? Signed, hungry

dear hungry,

Now let’s see. Jesus died, came back to life, walked around town for 40 days and rose body and soul to heaven and you want to know if he can run a barbecue? Maybe, if he had read the manual first.

Why does my poo float? Signed, stinks

dear stench,

If this is a problem for you, put some weight on it.

Why is there a dead Punjabi on my bed? Signed, Mortician

Dear Mortician,

You take your work home.

Why does fart smell? signature, anti-social

Dear Antisocial,

They come out of your butt.

Why do Punjabis love Reagan? Signature, culturally ignorant

Dear Culturally Ignorant,

‘The Exorcist’ was a good movie.

Can Men Wear White After Labor Day? Signature, Fashion Freakshow

Dear Freakshow,

Why not if their belly isn’t too distended after giving birth and they look good in tight white jeans?

If someone objects to the marriage? Signed, distressed

dear anxious,

They are not allowed to go to the reception.

Will my health insurance cover me abroad? Signed, Ladies’ Man

Dear Men and Women,

Depends on what you are using to cover the broad. ps try saying lady. It is more polite.

Creditor may freeze my bank account without notifying me. Signed, in the Poorhouse

Dear Poor House,

It’s a weird curse to put on yourself but if that’s your thing, so be it.

Where is a woman’s heart? Signature, heart transplant surgeons perform surgery in 10 minutes

dear heart,

The same place of man.

Where is the woman’s place? Signature, completely unknown

Dear Ignorant,

in the parking lot.

Where is a woman’s waist? Signed, someone must object to my marriage

dear marriage,

If you can’t see it by seeing her, stop ordering dinner at KFC.

Can I really grow taller? Signed, Roloff family

dear family,

If you want to lower your rating.

Who played Sissy in the movie Urban Cowboy? Signed, bad taste in movies

dear bad,

John Travolta.

What should I do when I grow up? Signature, Senior Citizen

Dear Senior Citizen,

Hurry up and start coffin shopping.

Can babies sleep with pacifiers? Signed, new mom

Dear New Mom,

Only if they have dated a few times.

What is going Dutch? Signature, cheap

Dear Cheapskate,

You fall in love with the Scandinavians.

How do you invest a million dollars? Signed, suddenly rich

Dear Rich,

i won’t I will spend every damn penny before my husband finds out about it.

Can I really get rid of stretch marks? Signed off, bikini days are over

Dear Bikini,

Wash your underwear. Oh sorry I thought you said skid marks.

Who played Marcia in the 1995 sequel A Very Brady? Signed, don’t go out too much

no dear

Marcia Brady. duh

Can a dog take benadryl? A vet with a dead dog to explain the signature

Dear Vet,

If he can unscrew the cap.

What does it mean when your stool is green? Signature, food poisoning

dear food,

You have about 15 minutes to get to the ER.

What does it mean to be a Republican? Signed, politically incorrect

Dear Politically,

alone

Why are my teeth sensitive? Signature, no dental plan

Dear Dentist,

You keep insulting them.

Why does my baby spit up so much? Signed, first time mom

Dear First,

You can’t cook.

Why does my daughter pull her hair? Signed, confused

dear confused,

You bother her a lot.

Why is my daughter getting worms? Signed, offended

dear upset,

Maybe she likes to eat fish.

Why does my husband look at other women? Signature, Parakoti

Dear Paranoid,

So he doesn’t accidentally bump into them.

I like to tape my thumb to see what a dinosaur would look like. Signature, Brain Surgeon

Dear Brain Surgeon,

Have the mortality rates of your brain surgery patients increased at all?

What does it mean if your cat is plotting to kill you? Signed, chenille

Dear Senel,

You are a giant rat.

Why won’t my snake eat? Signed, a friendless man

dear man,

You will not sit still.

What are these strawberries doing to my nipples? I want them for fruit salad. Signature, Fruitcake

Dear Fruitcake,

They are not strawberries. you done Put them in a salad. They are your nipples.

Can I get him back? Signature, crazy

Dear Wade,

If you plan your attack well and you don’t see it coming.

dear readers,

Thanks for writing. Now pick up a hobby, pop some Prozac and get on the computer please

Signed, a brilliant

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