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More Laptop Than Brains
I am not writing on behalf of search engines. I do not work for a search engine in any capacity. But the other day apparently I had more laptop than brain and found a site Strangely stupid Questions asked by computer users online. Computer users wanted answers to these questions. indeed I have no idea if some of these users were mentally ill or sarcastic but if there really was something wrong with them, they wouldn’t mind looking for answers to such questions.
So I a “Dear Abby” Sort of columnist except I chose the name “Dear Brilliant One”. Hey, I’ve never been known for my modesty. In the interest of witness protection (and perhaps my own) I’ve also looked for proper names for the authors of these questions. I will write answers to these real questions asked online. enjoy
Dear Bright One,:
Can Jesus run a barbecue? Signed, hungry
dear hungry,
Now let’s see. Jesus died, came back to life, walked around town for 40 days and rose body and soul to heaven and you want to know if he can run a barbecue? Maybe, if he had read the manual first.
Why does my poo float? Signed, stinks
dear stench,
If this is a problem for you, put some weight on it.
Why is there a dead Punjabi on my bed? Signed, Mortician
Dear Mortician,
You take your work home.
Why does fart smell? signature, anti-social
Dear Antisocial,
They come out of your butt.
Why do Punjabis love Reagan? Signature, culturally ignorant
Dear Culturally Ignorant,
‘The Exorcist’ was a good movie.
Can Men Wear White After Labor Day? Signature, Fashion Freakshow
Dear Freakshow,
Why not if their belly isn’t too distended after giving birth and they look good in tight white jeans?
If someone objects to the marriage? Signed, distressed
dear anxious,
They are not allowed to go to the reception.
Will my health insurance cover me abroad? Signed, Ladies’ Man
Dear Men and Women,
Depends on what you are using to cover the broad. ps try saying lady. It is more polite.
Creditor may freeze my bank account without notifying me. Signed, in the Poorhouse
Dear Poor House,
It’s a weird curse to put on yourself but if that’s your thing, so be it.
Where is a woman’s heart? Signature, heart transplant surgeons perform surgery in 10 minutes
dear heart,
The same place of man.
Where is the woman’s place? Signature, completely unknown
Dear Ignorant,
in the parking lot.
Where is a woman’s waist? Signed, someone must object to my marriage
dear marriage,
If you can’t see it by seeing her, stop ordering dinner at KFC.
Can I really grow taller? Signed, Roloff family
dear family,
If you want to lower your rating.
Who played Sissy in the movie Urban Cowboy? Signed, bad taste in movies
dear bad,
John Travolta.
What should I do when I grow up? Signature, Senior Citizen
Dear Senior Citizen,
Hurry up and start coffin shopping.
Can babies sleep with pacifiers? Signed, new mom
Dear New Mom,
Only if they have dated a few times.
What is going Dutch? Signature, cheap
Dear Cheapskate,
You fall in love with the Scandinavians.
How do you invest a million dollars? Signed, suddenly rich
Dear Rich,
i won’t I will spend every damn penny before my husband finds out about it.
Can I really get rid of stretch marks? Signed off, bikini days are over
Dear Bikini,
Wash your underwear. Oh sorry I thought you said skid marks.
Who played Marcia in the 1995 sequel A Very Brady? Signed, don’t go out too much
no dear
Marcia Brady. duh
Can a dog take benadryl? A vet with a dead dog to explain the signature
Dear Vet,
If he can unscrew the cap.
What does it mean when your stool is green? Signature, food poisoning
dear food,
You have about 15 minutes to get to the ER.
What does it mean to be a Republican? Signed, politically incorrect
Dear Politically,
alone
Why are my teeth sensitive? Signature, no dental plan
Dear Dentist,
You keep insulting them.
Why does my baby spit up so much? Signed, first time mom
Dear First,
You can’t cook.
Why does my daughter pull her hair? Signed, confused
dear confused,
You bother her a lot.
Why is my daughter getting worms? Signed, offended
dear upset,
Maybe she likes to eat fish.
Why does my husband look at other women? Signature, Parakoti
Dear Paranoid,
So he doesn’t accidentally bump into them.
I like to tape my thumb to see what a dinosaur would look like. Signature, Brain Surgeon
Dear Brain Surgeon,
Have the mortality rates of your brain surgery patients increased at all?
What does it mean if your cat is plotting to kill you? Signed, chenille
Dear Senel,
You are a giant rat.
Why won’t my snake eat? Signed, a friendless man
dear man,
You will not sit still.
What are these strawberries doing to my nipples? I want them for fruit salad. Signature, Fruitcake
Dear Fruitcake,
They are not strawberries. you done Put them in a salad. They are your nipples.
Can I get him back? Signature, crazy
Dear Wade,
If you plan your attack well and you don’t see it coming.
dear readers,
Thanks for writing. Now pick up a hobby, pop some Prozac and get on the computer please
Signed, a brilliant
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