What Does It Mean When Your Eyes Hurt I Don’t Appreciate My Husband Enough – Will This Hurt My Marriage?

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I Don’t Appreciate My Husband Enough – Will This Hurt My Marriage?

Sometimes, when we get a wake up call, we feel like our marriage is humming along, which makes us realize that we haven’t really been paying attention. It never ceases to amaze me how it is so common to hyper-fixate on things that don’t really matter – (like pop culture and television shows) – but to draw our attention to what matters most, which is our marriage and our family.

Unfortunately, most of us have done this at some point in our lives (myself included.) and I don’t believe it means we don’t love our partner. On the contrary, it means that things are going so well that we take our eyes off the ball because we think we can take it. We begin to believe that our marriage just works and so we turn our attention to other things.

Many married people endure this for a while. The problem arises when this lack of attention becomes a lack of appreciation, an assumption, a kind of habit. Most spouses will not even notice this at first. Or when they do, they’ll tolerate it—at least for a while. But no one wants to feel unloved forever. And eventually, it can seriously damage your marriage. If your partner really feels humiliated and unvalidated, they sometimes look for this validation elsewhere. Sometimes, this leads to betrayal. And other times, your partner will begin to satisfy their emotional needs outside of your marriage. Both of these can cause serious damage.

Here is an example scenario. A wife might say: “I am so upset that I only saw what was happening in my marriage when it was too late to do anything about it. I can truly say that my husband is wonderful. He is very supportive. For two years on end, I have been in school. He is paying all the household bills while he is gone. I have told him that I appreciate it. But that was when I first started school. I admit that I have been coasting for the past year and I have to say that I have made friends at school. Spending less time at home. My husband had a medical procedure last week. It was only an outpatient procedure, but it meant that he was in bed for two days and couldn’t do much for himself. The morning after the procedure, I gave him something before I went to school. Asked if he could. He was angry that I was going to school and felt that I should take a day or two off to take care of him. He said that if the roles were reversed, he would do it. Or me. Deep in my heart, I know he is right. He took care of me without hesitation. My husband commented that ‘It’s good to have someone who takes care of you and pays all your bills, but you never have to return the favor. I ask very little of you. All I want is for you to take care of me every once in a while, but you can’t because you’re always focused on yourself. Is it wrong to just want a little appreciation? Because I never get that from you. And I’m sick.’ I know my husband is right. He is telling the truth. But I don’t know how to appreciate him more. And if I try to show him now, he’ll understand because he’s mad at me. I worry that my inability to appreciate is ultimately going to destroy my marriage.”

Awareness is the first step: I don’t want to scare you, but you are right to be concerned. Partners who do not feel appreciated or validated will seek the same elsewhere. The good news is that you are aware of this and want to change. Many people continue to approach their marriage in the same unappreciative way until their partner leaves. This doesn’t have to be the case with you because you are aware of the problem and want to fix it.

I think the first step towards fixing it is to be hyper-aware. And you have to train yourself to do this. I think the easiest way to approach this is to take a few seconds each day to make a verbal or mental list describing the good things your husband has done or the ways he has enriched your life. You might note “a husband who supports me in every way.” or “with whom I can share everything.” Notice what you appreciate. Because until you notice it, you can’t act on it.

Find out what your husband really wants and then take action: The next step is to take action. You want your husband to know that you appreciate him. And you want to be authentic about it. He’s already told you he doesn’t expect much. He just wants you to acknowledge his efforts and he wants you to care every time. I think we can both agree that it’s not worth asking. It’s not that he’s needy and expects us to go overboard. He just wants to feel acknowledged and validated.

There are many ways to do this. The first thing is to be quick to acknowledge him when he does something great. If he makes you coffee, give him a hug and thank him. The next step is to acknowledge that things are going on. You are fully aware of how supportive he is and drop him a note telling him how much you appreciate him. Give him lots of heartfelt and real physical affection. And go out of your way to return the favor.

Draw and distribute its currency. What I mean by this is that not everyone needs or wants equal pay. You know your husband better than anyone and you will be the person who knows best about what he is going to love. Try whatever it is. He has held up his end of the bargain and now is your chance to make up your mind.

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