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6 Parenting Tips For Dads
Congratulations – you are now a responsible adult!
Having kids is a complete game changer in every way and your life will never be the same again. You will see the world and everything in it in a completely different light.
Before, if someone sped through the neighborhood in their open top Porsche you’d think ‘nice car’, now you’d think ‘slowdown asshole!’
Whether you like it or not, you are now personally responsible for another human being’s life. Enjoy it, get involved, don’t be an irresponsible person, instead throw yourself into the wonderful messy and messy world of parenting and know that whether you’re 14 or 40 you’re an adult now – deal with it.
Learn the art of bribery
Although many people won’t admit it, being a parent involves a lot of bribery. We all know that everything in life has a price, and that includes keeping little darlings calm while you work to calm your migraines.
Candy is your kids’ crack cocaine, and you’re their dealer. Use it wisely or they won’t have teeth and diabetes but soon you’re using the parenting favorite ‘as long as you promise to be good…’
Use your TV for remote child control
Your TV used to be used for fun things like Monday Night Football or your favorite movie but now it will be transformed into the ultimate digital babysitter. You may try to convince yourself that you won’t allow your offspring’s minds to be corrupted by the box but wait until you have a precious break to replace the power of your TV with your children. Something like a remote control would be great for your kids but your TV is the next best thing.
Here are just a few words of wisdom. Breaking Bad is not acceptable viewing for your children and is in no way educational or justified in any way because South Park or Family Guy are cartoons.
Granted there are some kids shows that I’m forced to watch with my kids and it makes me want to lose the will to live and I clearly believe that no one can be as good as Barney without some kind of hidden agenda.
If you want to watch TV with your kids, try presenting shows that are kid-friendly but won’t lighten your brain. I recommend The Wiggles – they’re Australian and used to be in a band before they decided to entertain kids and they seem like a decent bunch of people that I’d definitely have a beer with which is more than I can say for Bernie. Just be careful; You need to watch the original Wiggles. If they have a sleazy girl and a gormless monster in front of them, you’re looking at a ‘new’ twist when they sell up and take the money to retire somewhere away from the kids.
Get used to being smothered in bodily fluids
While unmarried; This may sound really appealing to you but unfortunately for kids it takes on a whole new meaning.
If you’re depressed, obsessed with cleanliness, or insist on cleaning your laptop keyboard with a mini vacuum cleaner rather than fatherhood, you’re in for a shock.
When I was a kid there used to be a children’s show in the UK called Tiswas and one of the features of the show was a buzz machine. Basically it’s a little bit of throwing a lot of mud on the day guest’s head and having babies. Snot, poo, pee, earwax, blood – at any moment you’ll know you’re about to be crushed.
I suggest you watch the entire first series of Grey’s Anatomy to get used to the sudden, random nature of the various bodily fluids that will be splashed on you at any time.
can i get something
I know we don’t want to talk about it but I’m European so I can get away with it
Let me put it this way; She will wake up 5-6 times a night to feed your child, she will be tired, probably suffering from postpartum depression, and she will be worried about the stretch marks she just got. Her top half has turned into a food delivery system, and the bottom is recovering from her newborn’s melon-shaped head being pushed out.
Sorry but this pill has no sugar route; It’s time to have a hobby; Most golfers started out like this.
Be there for your children
Those magical moments are fleeting and will never be repeated. In the blink of an eye, the guy who currently has his arms wrapped around you and thinks you’re the best person in the universe will be in their room wearing black lip gloss and listening to thrash metal. Don’t let the child minder be the first person to see your child’s first steps or hear their first word. If you can, start a home based business so you can be there to experience their growing magic.
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