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My Spouse Feels Our Marriage Isn’t Balanced – He Thinks He Loves Me More Than I Love Him
I sometimes hear from people who have heard their partner accuse them of having an unequal relationship. Often, one partner accuses the other of not having the same feelings as themselves. It’s almost as if the accusing partner is keeping score, and no matter what the other says, the accusing partner doesn’t feel loved enough. This can make you feel like you can’t win over a partner who accuses you of not loving your partner enough.
I would hear comments like: “My husband is telling me that I don’t love him enough. He tells me that he loves me more than he loves me. He says that when he goes to kiss me or show me affection He literally turns his back on me. He says he doesn’t think I have a physical reaction when we make love. He says he doesn’t think I’m physically attracted to him. I’m not totally surprised by that. For years, he Trying to show more affection with him, especially in public and with other couples. I mean I’m not a very demonstrative person. I’m very introverted and I’m uncomfortable showing affection in public. I’m not the type of person who will kiss anyone. I confess. Keren Kay In college I had a very passionate relationship with a man whom I loved so much that I almost lost control of myself. Yes, but that relationship was not healthy. And because of that relationship, I never treated anyone else the same way. I am mature now and I think my husband and I have a mature love. i love him I honestly do. But I don’t feel the need to act like a teenager and it makes me a bit angry that he has asked me that. How vulnerable do you have to be to try to guilt or shame your partner into giving more than you are comfortable with? I am thinking of ending my marriage. Because no matter how many times I assure my husband that I truly love him, it’s never enough. It is like a cup that can never be filled. And I don’t find this kind of necessity attractive. He is so insecure and I hate it. How can I believe that I love him? Even though I don’t show my love the way he does, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him as much as he loves me. And why the need to keep score anyway?”
This is not an uncommon situation, but it is probably not one that cannot be overcome. It is like any situation where husband and wife do not agree. You have to find a compromise, but more importantly find a compromise that both of you can be happy with. If a partner feels they are being asked to give too much, there will be resentment and you may not be able to give freely. But if you feel like you’re getting more than you’re giving, you’re more likely to willingly give what makes your partner happy. Now, I will offer some suggestions on how you can negotiate this issue.
Ask for specifics: I suspect that one of the great disappointments to the wife was that this husband was talking about his grief. He can tell her vaguely that he wants to show her more affection, but she needs to know, especially how he expects this to look or be done. Did he want her to hug him and kiss him spontaneously while in public? Or would he be happy if she was more loving and energetic in the privacy of their own home? Because often, it’s not really the display it’s associated with, even if it claims to be.
He generally feels that he is missing a sense of acceptance, desire and appreciation. You don’t need to make a spectacle of yourself in public to achieve this. It may just be a small adjustment that will make him happy.
Obviously, this wife truly loved her husband and that was lost in translation. So maybe it’s time to have a very open and honest discussion about this. She might say something like: “In a way, it hurts and confuses me that you don’t think I love you as much as you love me. I can assure you that I love you very much. I know I do.” Not the most demonstrative person, but I want you to know that I love you. And I wonder what you need from me to feel more loved and appreciated. I’m more than willing to work with you. Have some behavior that makes you feel better. I don’t want you to doubt my love for you. At the same time, I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m trying so hard to make progress and you don’t feel any effort because what I’m doing isn’t working. Can we talk about exactly what is needed? That way, I know that what I do is actually going to work.”
Allow your husband to answer without interrupting. If you read between the lines, you can determine what he really wants. Chances are that he just wants to feel valid. And he needs to give you more information for you to be able to do this effectively. But, to be honest, it’s usually worth the effort. When two people love each other as much as these two, there is reason to hope that they will find a workable compromise.
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