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Bridging the Tensions in Depression and Trauma
When the depression was at its worst, I found that I was stagnant, beyond my ability to care for well-meaning people. Their care was still important. I still needed him. And I would inevitably recover to some degree where their sympathy really helped.
So I’ve found that depression is a fluid state, where some days it’s possible to move on, other days it’s futile. And that’s the best Everyone (Helpers and those being helped) accept the reality, that for those with depression, it cannot be changed. Just as it is good for everyone to understand that in a few days forward-moving and empowerment is not only possible, but necessary. It’s hard to tell which day is which.
Perhaps this is why the wisdom of the peace prayer is so compelling:
God, help me accept the days I cannot change. Help me to be courageous on the day I can move and improve. And give me wisdom to discern the difference between these days.
Can you see the correct stress above?
Depression has forward-movement and backward-movement. Some days there is hope. Other days, pure frustration. No day can be changed. It is accepted at best, not that care does not help. Sometimes, as adults, it’s good to be alone and deal with ‘how to get through this’, but those thoughts have limits. We need interaction to get out of the rut of thinking.
Balancing stress means appreciating the global dynamic in your depression.
As with most things in life, complex intrapersonal or interpersonal dynamics lie in suggesting that there is a single universal truth. There are always more aspects to your truth. It can be a difficult thing for you to understand and accept, let alone someone else.
For example, a victim of abuse, a traumatized person, needs to be clearly empathized – believed in, and doing so is incredibly important to their future hope and prosperity. But it should not be left there. Not all healing involves empathy, even if it is a powerful starting point. Victims, and now let’s call them survivors (of trauma), must be more than you believe and mindlessly encourage. They must also be gently challenged on their journey to recovery – which suggests and believes in restoration – and sometimes this feels difficult.
Every trauma survivor is at risk. They can initiate and become suffocated in a victim vortex. We must watch our language. Not scolding. But how we still linger on making disempowering statements about ourselves that make us feel like victims. Beyond that, one should work for the goal.
When we keep saying, “[They or the situation] It’s done to me!” or “[They or the situation] Won’t change!” or “How dare you [they or the situation]Especially if we are still angry, we cannot fully recover. Don’t get me wrong. Anger and distrust are justified. But authenticity comes when we step past as victims and tap into our agency (meaning an action or intervention that creates a certain [empowering] effect). It takes personal power to fully recover and we need to find a way to access it, to access it.
But agency cannot come unless empathy is attained and lived. Yet if we leave it to empathy, agency cannot be fully realized. We need both.
As you struggle, can you stress these seemingly contradictory truths:
You believe; It happened, it was terrible, and it’s terrible. But you can be more than what you have experienced.
Balancing stress is not one better than the other or one right and one wrong. Balancing stress to restore mental health means achieving empathy that affirms what was and is, and challenge that propels us toward the agency of what could be.
Victims must believe, and victims must believe that they can be healed.
*** This article for victims of abuse assumes that you are out of your toxic situation. There can be no recovery in situations that re-traumatize us.
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