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3 Easy Ways to Change Your Child’s Behavior
If your child is not behaving the way you want, you need to change the way you behave. It will not help to continue using the old methods of birth control. If they haven’t worked yet, they won’t go. Here are three simple things you can do to get your child to do what you ask.
The idea of talking to their children is an idea that many parents cannot understand. In our parenting class, we are often met with complete resistance at first. “I am a parent, I do not negotiate. My children must follow my rules.”
By talking, you show your child that you are open to their feelings. It shows that you respect them and that you care about their feelings. It opens up many new ways of communication between parents and children. And, if they are well taken care of, they both leave happy.
Your child will respect you more if you listen to his feelings. By talking to your child, they know that their feelings are valid and that you care about their feelings. They won’t need to win every negotiation – and neither will you.
When talking, remember that the first time you put your child down, the conversation will end. Your child may not want to continue a conversation where you make him feel bad.
A woman in our parenting class tried to talk to her 12-year-old daughter about a new dress for her first dance. The daughter was wearing a long dress. The woman wanted to choose a dress that ended up in the middle of the calf. During the conversation, the woman said, “You know you’re a fool. You’re going to trip over the top and fall flat on your face in front of all your friends. The daughter is used to put downs. She’s been hearing them all her life. She quietly chose a mid-calf dress to end the matter.
In our next parenting class, a mother said that her daughter was not a conversationalist. The woman tried to negotiate, but the daughter refused. Although he bought the dress that the woman wanted, the daughter was not happy with the choice.
Putting it down is not part of any conversation – or any conversation. If you feel you are hurting your child. Stop. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. And move on.
Some topics you may want to start a discussion on include:
time to sleep
either take out the garbage at night or in the morning
Friday night TV
Using conversation not only shows your child that you respect them, it teaches them critical thinking skills that will help them throughout life.
2. Good Choices / Bad Choices
All success and failure comes from the choices we make. Being able to think through our decisions helps our children make good decisions more often – and accept the negative consequences of bad decisions. When he realizes that something bad has happened because of his decision, he can make a good decision to solve the problem or it will be given to him at another time. If they are not taught consequences, they will not learn to make good decisions.
We had a parent in our parent class who complained that the school was picking up her child. He failed English because he forgot to turn in a few important papers. He had gone to the school several times to talk to the teacher but the teacher refused. He asked how he could help his son.
I told him, “Fail.”
Good parents protect their children from serious harm. Good parents also tend to complain and do not protect their children too much to learn the consequences. All children make bad choices as they grow up. When he has to deal with the consequences, he learns what he chose to get into the mess and learns to think clearly. Your child will learn much faster by making his own decisions than by all the self-control preaching you can give him. Let them fail.
If they fail, don’t say “I told you so”. Don’t be happy. Don’t tell them they are alone. Let them know you are there for them. Help them get back on track. Talk to them about it. Calm down show that the result is a direct result of the decision they made. Help them learn to make good choices, but don’t belittle bad choices.
Your goal, as a parent, is to teach your child that life is good if they make good choices. Making good decisions isn’t always easy – but it makes life better.
Some options your child can start learning today:
Don’t finish your homework… you failed the class
Don’t pick up your toys… the dog can destroy them (or they can be thrown away)
Take your hands off the handlebars of your bike…you could fall
Learn to give your own advice, then step back and let the results teach your child. You can help your child make good choices, but let him choose and deal with the positive or negative consequences. Praise him when he makes the right choice, but don’t criticize him for making the wrong choice.
3. No Ranting
Constant negative comments destroy your child’s self-esteem. It does not help the child’s behavior at all. In fact, it is often very difficult.
Some parents think that they always have to advise their child to learn what he has done wrong. They can have a child who is nervous and afraid to do anything for fear of upsetting their parent again. Or worse, they end up with a child who does too much.
Instead of complaining, start looking at what they did well, and point it out.
Instead of “I told you to clean your room. Get in there and do it now!”
Try this: “Thank you for picking up your toys from the living room. I love how they look.”
Instead, “Did you brush your teeth like I told you to? I’m tired of reminding you.”
Try this: “I’m proud of you for wearing your own pajamas.”
In these two examples, we are ignoring things that we really want done. But we are building a foundation of trust and confidence in our child. It won’t take long for our child to start looking for more ways to get praise. Once they get a taste of praise, they start doing things to get more praise.
Three simple things to change your child’s behavior. Easy for parents. Amazing for kids. Try it today.
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