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How to Get Rid of Stinking Thinking
Q: I seem to be beating myself up before I start. I try not to do anything because of all the obstacles I see. Then I regret that I didn’t do anything and I feel really bad. A friend of mine pointed this example out to me, but none of us know what to do with it. What should I do?
A: I know what it is.
It’s your stinking thinking.
Both of the ideas you describe are examples of stinky thinking, or to put it differently, unhelpful, stinky thinking. Another way to think about them is SDT or self-defeating thinking. The two that seem to stick out the most are so common that I have special names for them: Mr. Yabuts and Mrs. Ifonly Ida. Let’s take a closer look at all of these different types of SDTs, and how to change them.
FATHER. YABUTS
Yabuts rear their ugly heads when we say, “YES, I really need to, BUT….” We can easily “yes but” ourselves and not be defeated before we start. Yes, but they defeat themselves, but they work to protect themselves. If you can convince yourself that there is no point in trying to do what you want, then you no longer run the risk of trying and failing. While this may protect you, it also disables you.
Mr. Yabuts also appears in business and provides a good example of how to change the process of self-defeat. Often when the answer is given, someone will say, “Yeah, but . . . This is followed by all the reasons why the idea will not work. Another useful way to say “yeah, but” is “yes, and . . .” followed by a real list of the problems and – here is the important part – a plan to deal with them.
In our lives, we tend to say “yes but” when we dream about what we want, we get scared, and then we try to talk ourselves into making our dreams come true. Instead of stopping ourselves with “yeah buts,” we should ask, “what’s stopping me?”
The answer is often ourselves. The same solution applies: Make a list of the obstacles and then create a plan to deal with them effectively.
MS. IFONLY IDA
Mrs. Ifonly Ida shows it as a self-defeating way of regretting, like “If only I had (insert blank), then everything would be fine.”
The purpose of good grief is to help us learn from our mistakes, not repeat them.
Reflecting on the past, Ifonly Ida steals you the present and the future. Have you ever tried driving your car looking only in the rearview mirror? It’s a stupid idea, but it’s how we live our lives when we’re caught by Ifonly Ida.
When you find yourself engaging in this type of self-defeating behavior, stop and ask yourself positive questions, such as: “What can I learn from this?” “What mistakes did I make that I don’t want to make again?” How can I use what I have experienced and learn to live a better life the next time I face a similar situation?
These questions help you do two important things with past whispers: Make room for them because they happened and not acknowledging them prevents you from learning from them; and bring down the complaint in his place that is after You. Then you can be on your way to making fewer, if any, complaints in the future.
One way to avoid future regrets is to ask yourself, ‘How will I feel tomorrow, in a year, and at the end of my life if I make this decision?’ Learn and live to have as few Ifonly Idas in the future as possible.
Mr. Yabuts or Ms. Ifonly Ida is bad enough individually. Combine them and you’ve set up a vicious cycle that keeps you stuck. Remove one of those, and you’re doing well. Remove both, and you’re on your way.
My suggestion is to get it all out of your brain, because it’s taking up a lot of space without paying rent.
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